An Invisible War

Written June 18, 2012

It has been a struggle for the last half year to swim out of this seemingly powerful quicksand of negative thoughts. Albeit I was on a positive streak for a while, it appears now that the universe is putting me on a tolerance diet of things not occurring in my favor which has left such a bitter taste in my mouth. It's been tough all around since Dad passed. I've jumped through hurdles to get to a comfortable seating, a territory I've claimed at least for now. I shouldn't be complaining, but as other aspects of my life brighten, the greater the contrast it gives to other facets that I evidently failed to work on ever since I left home. The apparent lack of clarity and loss in direction in this space leaves me to question whether the life I see in others is the same one I should expect. 

Yes. It is common wisdom that comparing one's life to those of others is a sure source of misery. And when I come to think of it, when I see the most miserable person still loved and kept by the other, I cannot help but question what there is waiting for me. Is patience actually helping or limiting my chances at happiness?

Must Love Dogs

It has been a very strange start of the day today. It all started with a really pleasant dream that cast very random characters, most of whom I actually know in real life. The theme was "new relationship", and it was quite hilarious that I am a cynic in real life, whereas in contrast, my dream-self was loving the cheesiness of it all. It must have been all the Sims games I have been playing. As expected, I encountered the tug-of-war with dream vs. reality: I was constantly being woken up, and then I turn in bed and try to go back to sleeping because I felt like

Best Before: [Insert Date Here]

written August 12, 2012

If saying "I am not used to having this amount of emotion" is considered whining, well let me whine to you. I am not used to having THIS AMOUNT of emotion. At least not any more.

Oblivion. This is the black hole of black holes. The lost and never found of everything that used to mean something in your life. This is where you would usually find characters and experiences either too euphoric or too unpleasant, you would rather forget. The older I get, the easier things get classified as something to be thrown into oblivion, hoping this black hole is somewhat an unknown recycling bin of the universe which will later on churn out or resurface strange but familiar people or situations (as in a deja vu) in a form that will be more acceptable to your future self and your seemingly-transformed habitus.

You tell yourself, I have been through this many times. I have learned A LOT. But did you ever really? 

This may or may not be fiction

I met him on the morning September 10th. He paced his words, acted mostly disinterested, shook my hand and forgot to offer me a beverage. Detached and disinterested, these were exactly the words I would use to describe how he appeared for the first 5 minutes. 

He started asking the most annoying questions, structurally charged with assumption. But somewhere in the conversation, he got comfortable. I saw the "spurts" of excitement, and I saw the transformation from robot to human being before my eyes. It then became one of those dates I wished that never ended. I found myself enjoying his company, learning more about him; all the while amused with myself for being able to remember that I can really speak English. "This guy can really push my buttons," I thought to myself. It also dawned on me how he would only talk about himself in short sentences and would seem uncomfortable doing so. I have a couple of theories, but I have yet to test them.

It has been four times that we have met in the last 3 weeks. Every time, I would find myself wanting for the hours to be longer. I am intrigued; he is somewhat strangely familiar but completely new at the same time. 

Now, I'm starting to dislike the fact that I have a semi-eidetic memory in the sense that I remember things people say all the time. It gives me a lot of opportunity to over analyze, especially when my energies are not fully consumed in the day. However, even if I do over analyze his script recorded in total recall, I am neither filled with frustration or anxiety. This, to me, is new.

Is it my psyche? Rediscovering maturity? Not giving a shit? I like discovering new feelings that have until now been alien to me. What button is he going to push next?

When the Universe says no

There's this thing about asking questions: especially with asking the big questions comes the favourable and unfavourable answers. With each of these probabilities too, there is an expectation of the gravity of emotion. Most any human being, being a child of the cosmos and consciously or unconsciously able to speak the language of the universe, would know the answer to his or her question and at some point will be consumed by a gripping fear with the anxiety that the Universe might say no.

I felt that gripping fear that afternoon in November. Prior to this time, I had a dream. In that dream, I have been told clearly and concisely: "Don't do it.". That should have been my cue, but in my naivete I hadn't found this sign compelling enough to move or stop me. So the following afternoon, I wanted to test fate with the hopes of it telling me the answer I needed to hear. And there it was... my answer put quite bluntly: There is nothing else here that you are meant to experience. Move on. Although I, being my stubborn scorpio self, have already immediately rationalized the decision that favoured me to see him.

Post-rationalization, we were exchanging. In that conversation, he very outrightly said he cannot be monogamous and that he probably would not get married. Thank you for telling me something I already know. I also remember the line that was said several times that he doesn't have time for a serious relationship (but has the time to manage several non-relationships). I didn't think that for me he will make an exception, and I was probably right. My decision was made for me, so I simply pursued the trip on a what-the-heck basis. (So you see, these are things that you say very early on, unless that was a recent discovery that deserves exposure to the real world.)

I could not tell exactly, because instead of his apathy to somewhat reluctant message in a previous exchange, I found an excited anticipation in his opening line as soon as I turned on my phone when I got there. Maybe he feared that I won't be able to get myself there from the airport. Or maybe he was cleaning up from yesterday's adventures, who would know? Or maybe that excitement was only in my imagination? The last one is the most probable.

Nonetheless, without trying, I enjoyed myself for the whole duration that I was there. I had a feeling that he is a good guy in the core, but who has the time to dig that deep? I tried to make my departure conclusive and avoided lines like "see you soon", or "next time", or "let's do this again". I think we were on the same page then because he avoided saying anything like that too.

When I got back, I had firmly decided that that would be the last of it. I cannot keep short-changing myself with keeping myself in situations that aren't in my best interest. To some extent, I am thankful for his honesty. If that were any form of a challenge, I apologize for missing it, because somewhere between now and 24 years ago I learned something valuable. 

I hadn't thought it made any difference that he wouldn't know what was going on in my life, so I thought it followed that I should limit his view of my facebook. Then the following morning -- tada! We aren't friends anymore. Haha It struck me -- I didn't think I was worth the effort of blocking.

So now, I am going the distance. I've conscientiously cleared all the virtual memory of any traces of him and any means of contacting him. There was something in me that decided to close that chapter, and not reopening it again. Every little thing is going to be alright, this time I wasn't reacting to anything. Some part of me was sad, similar to what one would feel with saying goodbyes; albeit a goodbye that refused to be said out loud.

There was a great deal of lessons I've learned from this experience, and I do not regret anything. I've learned to listen to the messages from the Universe, and I guess if it said No to this, there is bound to be something better and worthwhile that I am meant for... hopefully in the near future.

Adieu!

(I realized in the initial post how terrible my coherence in composition was. Edited today 21st of November)

The Inevitable Requirement of Being Economically Productive

I think Carlo has gotten tired of patting me on the back for my good work and achievements. Hence, I turn to my blog. Request for bragging rights: approved! (instantaneously)

The people I've previously worked with have always put my realities in check and challenged me to achieve my fullest potential (eventually) -- especially the most difficult and painful people I had to work with! 

Now, I'm not one of the lucky ones who was able to snag my dream job the first time I tried. My working life was a complete season of Outsource where my function was half-expendable and any achievement would be accredited to my first-world counterpart. On the onset of my career, I was knocked to the ground hearing this comment: You think your skills and abilities are above everyone else's in the team. Firstly, I didn't realize that I was working with a psychic that my thoughts could easily be read. Secondly, I've sincerely never had any such feelings toward the [other] people I worked with then. That stuck to me. Since then, I've made sure that I respect other people's capabilities and limits; any insecurity I might have instilled will be purely derived from one's own inferiority complex (and that is beyond my powers). I could vainly say that to date, I am the third most considerate colleague you might ever have in your entire lifetime. 

As outsourced work didn't consume all of my energy, I wandered down a professional social networking site and decided to give my two-cents on a mundane recruiter-bashing topic. Here was where I found a carrot on a stick or vice-versa. I blindly followed, going against my own reason, without any desire to progress, but rather to escape "The Greater Depression"'s grab on the neck of my third-world mother country and a badly-drawn pseudo relationship. This brought me to Lala-land, albeit short-changed compared to what was expected of me. My concept of work and working relationships at that time were perhaps too bucolic (relative to Singapore) but I did my best to be the best elephant that peanuts can buy. And then the carrot on a stick told me: Maybe you should rethink about being in the people business. For a while, I did. But then I thought to myself: "why should I be listening to a carrot on a stick?" (early onset of dementia/schizophrenia?). Afterwards however, I found myself having the audience of an esoteric water vessel --- when I screamed in it: "Now what?" it echoed back: "Keep your head down, and keep trying." 

What followed was the necessary detour to the spider's lair. The reality was that it was what I had to do to survive, alongside my new-found domestic responsibilities. I tried to mimic the behavior and the vivre of the people who surrounded me. When my brain finally started working after some weeks, I got the ball rolling. By the time I understood my area, the ball turned into a boulder and everything it ran over nailed the peg to the ground. And by pegs, I mean some freakin' huge expensive pegs. Of course, all of this would not have been possible if not for my mentor who worked equally hard and trusted in me enough to let me grow on my own accord. (To this day I still have an inexplicable gratitude to him, although I admit that he needs to mature a little bit. Nonetheless, I have an inkling that he is someone who manages to stay true to himself and still keeps a bit of humanity and consideration despite the industry we were in.) Being in the spider's lair perhaps the most testing environment I've gotten myself into. Nevertheless, I took everything as a learning opportunity. Even the last words from the CEO to me, I've taken with a pinch of salt: "No one is going to baby you forever." Although I found it a little inconsiderate and out of context from where I was in my career, I've made sure that I'm doing something so that no one else can say that to me within the next three years. I'll even put in my resume: No baby-ing required.

Looking back, I reckon all that chaos had me bound for reform. A little bit of chaos and making mistakes kicked out majority of my idealism. I guess with all that friction, I was growing callouses to keep me numb from superficial hardship while keeping me true to my core. 

This is not a graduation speech nor a eulogy to the death of my work-life. I'm actually happy that all these are behind me with hopes that perhaps future lessons will be gentler and easier to learn. I am now 14 years away from my retirement from corporate, unless of course somewhere in between now and then, I win the lottery or find a rich husband who will never run out of money nor affection for me (as if!). 

Not everyone is required to be passionate about the industries they work in, but everyone should be passionate about doing a great job with whatever job they're in. Never mind that your a tiny cog in a big wheel for as long as you are THE awesome tiny cog in the shop. (Read: Structural Functionalism). 

Work exists to compliment what really matters in life. Mastering a profession takes years of experience. But if we start to put things into perspective, mastering life would appear a much bigger feat. Following that logic, shouldn't we be more afraid of not doing a good job at life? I think I've understood almost half of what I need to know about working... but living, now that's another story.

**some references would make better sense with my CV in hand. I thought "The Greater Depression" would be an interesting euphemism for the GFC of 2008. 

Ang Buhay ay Parang Sine

May ilang pagkakataon sa buhay ko na napag isipan kong i-consider maging isang script writer para sa TV o pelikula. Naalala ko 'to dahil sa mga nakaraang araw, naihalintulad ko ang buhay ko sa mga palabas sa sine, at ngayon nakaisip na naman ako ng pamatay na linya (well, at least para sakin)

"Nasanay na kong wala ka e... bakit ba bumalik ka pa?" 

Naiimagine ko si John Lloyd ang nagsasabi with a tremble in his voice na pinapahiwatig ang magkahalong ligaya at pighati niya sa di inaasahang pagbalik sa buhay niya ng dati niyang kapuso played by Bea Alonzo. (Sila pa ba ang love team? outdated na ko. Expired na ata ang pagiging jologs ko).

Sa tingin ko, kung gagawing pelikula ang life story ko, marami akong pwedeng mai-insert na pamatay na linyang hindi mo makakalimutan, tulad ng "you had me at my best, she had me at my worst... you had a choice, and you chose to break my heart". 

Hindi pa naman tapos ang script ng buhay ko. Pero naisip ko to: sa pag-uungkat ng bida at ng isa pang karakter ng pelikula ng kanilang nakaraan, sabi ng bida 

"siguro naman sa ngayon kilala mo na 'ko. Alam mo na halos lahat ng bagay na nangyari... hanggang sa mga detalye, naalala ko naman. Pero umabot na ko sa punto na (pause) may mga bagay na lang talaga na gusto ko na lang (pause) kalimutan..."

Ganito kasi, may pagka shunga ang bida. May mga bagay na dapat tinalikuran na niya maaga pa lang, ngunit dahil nga shunga siya, pagdating sa dulo e siya rin ang naghukay ng sarili niyang libingan. Maiyak man siya, nararamdaman niya ang lungkot dahil sa katotohanang may mga maari siyang nagawa pero ngayon ay huli na ang lahat. (chos)

Pero at some point, kelangan ng parte kung saan magigising siya sa katotohanan, matatanggap ang mga bagay na hindi niya pwedeng baguhin, para magkaron ng espasyo sa buhay niya sa pagdating ng taong tunay talagang magmamahal sa kanya. 

Siguro kung pelikula ang buhay ko, mahirap maghanap ng aktres na number 1, willing to gain weight to be true to the character, number 2 kayang dramathon at comedy at the same time, mala agua-benditang good-girl-with-an-evil-streak, and number 3, telegenic. Haha!

Kung pelikula ang buhay ko, ano kaya ang kalalabasan ng kwento? Excited na ko. Panoorin niyo ha.