I felt that gripping fear that afternoon in November. Prior to this time, I had a dream. In that dream, I have been told clearly and concisely: "Don't do it.". That should have been my cue, but in my naivete I hadn't found this sign compelling enough to move or stop me. So the following afternoon, I wanted to test fate with the hopes of it telling me the answer I needed to hear. And there it was... my answer put quite bluntly: There is nothing else here that you are meant to experience. Move on. Although I, being my stubborn scorpio self, have already immediately rationalized the decision that favoured me to see him.
Post-rationalization, we were exchanging. In that conversation, he very outrightly said he cannot be monogamous and that he probably would not get married. Thank you for telling me something I already know. I also remember the line that was said several times that he doesn't have time for a serious relationship (but has the time to manage several non-relationships). I didn't think that for me he will make an exception, and I was probably right. My decision was made for me, so I simply pursued the trip on a what-the-heck basis. (So you see, these are things that you say very early on, unless that was a recent discovery that deserves exposure to the real world.)
I could not tell exactly, because instead of his apathy to somewhat reluctant message in a previous exchange, I found an excited anticipation in his opening line as soon as I turned on my phone when I got there. Maybe he feared that I won't be able to get myself there from the airport. Or maybe he was cleaning up from yesterday's adventures, who would know? Or maybe that excitement was only in my imagination? The last one is the most probable.
Nonetheless, without trying, I enjoyed myself for the whole duration that I was there. I had a feeling that he is a good guy in the core, but who has the time to dig that deep? I tried to make my departure conclusive and avoided lines like "see you soon", or "next time", or "let's do this again". I think we were on the same page then because he avoided saying anything like that too.
When I got back, I had firmly decided that that would be the last of it. I cannot keep short-changing myself with keeping myself in situations that aren't in my best interest. To some extent, I am thankful for his honesty. If that were any form of a challenge, I apologize for missing it, because somewhere between now and 24 years ago I learned something valuable.
I hadn't thought it made any difference that he wouldn't know what was going on in my life, so I thought it followed that I should limit his view of my facebook. Then the following morning -- tada! We aren't friends anymore. Haha It struck me -- I didn't think I was worth the effort of blocking.
So now, I am going the distance. I've conscientiously cleared all the virtual memory of any traces of him and any means of contacting him. There was something in me that decided to close that chapter, and not reopening it again. Every little thing is going to be alright, this time I wasn't reacting to anything. Some part of me was sad, similar to what one would feel with saying goodbyes; albeit a goodbye that refused to be said out loud.
There was a great deal of lessons I've learned from this experience, and I do not regret anything. I've learned to listen to the messages from the Universe, and I guess if it said No to this, there is bound to be something better and worthwhile that I am meant for... hopefully in the near future.
Adieu!
(I realized in the initial post how terrible my coherence in composition was. Edited today 21st of November)
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