Just over ten weeks ago, I remember having found myself in a state of contentment. I was at a stage where I thought, life could get better, but right now I am happy. I was happy anchored to a safe harbour where I know no one could get to me. My mind was in equilibrium which worked as an antibiotic to any sad, depressing thought that could ever enter my head.
At this very moment, however, it seems I am very far away from that state. Maybe it is reality knocking back on my door telling me I need more than luck and charm to get through life and my responsibilities. I am trying to identify what drove me to where I am now, which wrong turn I have taken and why I am off balanced.
Speculations:
1. Maybe it's because my sister has been living with me for the last two months. I realize that I don't talk to her so much, which is what I should be doing. I find it stressful to be sharing such a small space with someone... or anyone in particular. Especially, someone that has to be told. I think an infant would be cuter.
2. Diminishing number of new purchases. The high has faded. I need to shop more.
3. No more money to shop with. And debt. Who knew you had to pay for a credit card every month? LOL
4. Relationships.
4.1) I don't know how good I am to my friends, or at the very least the people within my immediate vicinity. I hope I achieve the KPIs of their expectations. I'm feeling bad already knowing that if they can fire me, I know they would definitely consider doing so.
4.2) In terms of romantic relationships, I regress and try to see myself and my behavior in a different point of view. Understanding how I am, I now realize I might not be fit for a long-term serious relationship. Or maybe I am, but I know the pool of possible partner has now become smaller, not to mention challenging. I get bored easily, I'm constantly on the lookout for something to be turned off about, I'm a bit of a show-off, I get careless with my choice of comments, I like having too much fun, I smoke, I drink and I'm not exactly the barbie type. (The barbie-image could've fooled a lot of men, and I could attempt fooling half of those with my so-called "doll face", but the probability of that getting me the second most superficial guy on the street would be close to a hundred.) To add to that, I'm sarcastic, and I prolly will have a lot of fun with a Brit. (Not to be racist, but, yeah.) And have I mentioned that I laugh at and let out racist remarks?
I guess what brought me to reflect on this rarely touched-on aspect of my life is 1) peer pressure, and 2) recent visitors.
Peer Pressue: Perhaps I have made peace with the reality of life that once people start pairing up, you see less of them. Or just receive very incongruent texts from them. For example, I was "requested to eavesdrop" over a text conversation earlier, only to find an obvious miscommunication and a pattern of incongruence. It's funny, but I don't think i will be laughing when I'm the one communicating with the person. I might just get frustrated and end the conversation altogether. Come to think of it, peer pressure wouldn't be the most apt term and perhaps I should replace it with envy. Yes, envy would be more appropriate. They have inspired these thoughts in my head.
I was confronted by my close bestie on whether I get tired of all the boyfriend talk, and I honestly said I wasn't listening. I knew I wouldn't be able to make much out of my turn to talk, and I was too narcissistic not to make any such stories offensively "rubbing it in my face". Sick, innit? In the middle of watching a romantic comedy, I don't hear anything like "what I love about my boyfie is..." No. I don't hear anything like that at all. Once my other bestie gets over the honeymoon phase, I know I'm going to hear more of that from her. I honestly have to get rid of this cynical attitude and be a real friend.
On Recent visitors.
One day was all it took to shake me on the ground I was standing on. Why was it that he had to come and see me? It was for the exchange of course.
I remember episodes in the drunken conversation: if I had gone to the restaurant he told me about, of something that tastes really good, and that he didn't have the time to be in a serious relationship.
>>One, I don't remember having talked about that restaurant before so that might have been a different girl.
>> And, two, I was listening. I've been listening to everything since the first words escaped his mouth. Even if the first few paragraphs weren't digested due to a distraction also known as the Pressing Libyan Hangover.
>>Point one should've already upset me, but starting to feel upset now would be futile. In a scene where everyone's laughing, and there is a blonde unshaken looking at everyone else thinking to herself "what's so funny about that...". Well, let's just say I'm the blonde. Being upset now would be futility and approximately one year too late. Blonde: Now I get it! That was supposed to upset me, innit?
Having a guy (notice the avoidance of using the word "man") next to me telling me he didn't have the time for a serious relationship... story of my life! This time, though, I listened. And I couldn't have been more disappointed at myself for being in the same situation again. Good thing he's far away now. I hope I wouldn't think it an option for me to announce if I will ever be in Hong Kong.
However, I know I have to give him credit for playing it completely by the book. Whatever confusion I am experiencing right now is a grave I've dug for myself. I'm 23 but somehow I feel I'm too old for this kind of game. I feel bad that we never got to know each other well. I guess I missed my shot, if there was ever one. I'm being vulnerable admitting this to myself, trust that some part of me is feeling pathetic and pitiful as I am writing this. Maybe our time to me, however glamorized by our hobbies, was the most thoughtless, carefree, and wonderful episodes I've had in Singapore.
But this I was able to prove to myself. I CAN STILL FEEL SOMETHING. I guess that's a start. There's still hope in the world, and tomorrow is another day. Who knows what might happen?
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