Ang Buhay ay Parang Sine

May ilang pagkakataon sa buhay ko na napag isipan kong i-consider maging isang script writer para sa TV o pelikula. Naalala ko 'to dahil sa mga nakaraang araw, naihalintulad ko ang buhay ko sa mga palabas sa sine, at ngayon nakaisip na naman ako ng pamatay na linya (well, at least para sakin)

"Nasanay na kong wala ka e... bakit ba bumalik ka pa?" 

Naiimagine ko si John Lloyd ang nagsasabi with a tremble in his voice na pinapahiwatig ang magkahalong ligaya at pighati niya sa di inaasahang pagbalik sa buhay niya ng dati niyang kapuso played by Bea Alonzo. (Sila pa ba ang love team? outdated na ko. Expired na ata ang pagiging jologs ko).

Sa tingin ko, kung gagawing pelikula ang life story ko, marami akong pwedeng mai-insert na pamatay na linyang hindi mo makakalimutan, tulad ng "you had me at my best, she had me at my worst... you had a choice, and you chose to break my heart". 

Hindi pa naman tapos ang script ng buhay ko. Pero naisip ko to: sa pag-uungkat ng bida at ng isa pang karakter ng pelikula ng kanilang nakaraan, sabi ng bida 

"siguro naman sa ngayon kilala mo na 'ko. Alam mo na halos lahat ng bagay na nangyari... hanggang sa mga detalye, naalala ko naman. Pero umabot na ko sa punto na (pause) may mga bagay na lang talaga na gusto ko na lang (pause) kalimutan..."

Ganito kasi, may pagka shunga ang bida. May mga bagay na dapat tinalikuran na niya maaga pa lang, ngunit dahil nga shunga siya, pagdating sa dulo e siya rin ang naghukay ng sarili niyang libingan. Maiyak man siya, nararamdaman niya ang lungkot dahil sa katotohanang may mga maari siyang nagawa pero ngayon ay huli na ang lahat. (chos)

Pero at some point, kelangan ng parte kung saan magigising siya sa katotohanan, matatanggap ang mga bagay na hindi niya pwedeng baguhin, para magkaron ng espasyo sa buhay niya sa pagdating ng taong tunay talagang magmamahal sa kanya. 

Siguro kung pelikula ang buhay ko, mahirap maghanap ng aktres na number 1, willing to gain weight to be true to the character, number 2 kayang dramathon at comedy at the same time, mala agua-benditang good-girl-with-an-evil-streak, and number 3, telegenic. Haha!

Kung pelikula ang buhay ko, ano kaya ang kalalabasan ng kwento? Excited na ko. Panoorin niyo ha.

Loose Screws

With OST-ish music playing at my ears and my current "lost-ness", I reckoned that perhaps I should resort to my most cathartic escape. Words. Me putting them together, for me, is easier than figuring out what is on my mind and where my [love] life is going. Writing, in hopes that perhaps my stream of consciousness will deliver my own answers straight here on my blog.

Just over ten weeks ago, I remember having found myself in a state of contentment. I was at a stage where I thought, life could get better, but right now I am happy. I was happy anchored to a safe harbour where I know no one could get to me. My mind was in equilibrium which worked as an antibiotic to any sad, depressing thought that could ever enter my head. 

At this very moment, however, it seems I am very far away from that state. Maybe it is reality knocking back on my door telling me I need more than luck and charm to get through life and my responsibilities. I am trying to identify what drove me to where I am now, which wrong turn I have taken and why I am off balanced. 

Speculations:

1. Maybe it's because my sister has been living with me for the last two months. I realize that I don't talk to her so much, which is what I should be doing. I find it stressful to be sharing such a small space with someone... or anyone in particular. Especially, someone that has to be told. I think an infant would be cuter.  

2. Diminishing number of new purchases. The high has faded. I need to shop more.

3. No more money to shop with. And debt. Who knew you had to pay for a credit card every month? LOL

4. Relationships.

4.1) I don't know how good I am to my friends, or at the very least the people within my immediate vicinity. I hope I achieve the KPIs of their expectations. I'm feeling bad already knowing that if they can fire me, I know they would definitely consider doing so. 

4.2) In terms of romantic relationships, I regress and try to see myself and my behavior in a different point of view. Understanding how I am, I now realize I might not be fit for a long-term serious relationship. Or maybe I am, but I know the pool of possible partner has now become smaller, not to mention challenging. I get bored easily, I'm constantly on the lookout for something to be turned off about, I'm a bit of a show-off, I get careless with my choice of comments, I like having too much fun, I smoke, I drink and I'm not exactly the barbie type. (The barbie-image could've fooled a lot of men, and I could attempt fooling half of those with my so-called "doll face", but the probability of that getting me the second most superficial guy on the street would be close to a hundred.) To add to that, I'm sarcastic, and I prolly will have a lot of fun with a Brit. (Not to be racist, but, yeah.) And have I mentioned that I laugh at and let out racist remarks? 

I guess what brought me to reflect on this rarely touched-on aspect of my life is 1) peer pressure, and 2) recent visitors. 

Peer Pressue: Perhaps I have made peace with the reality of life that once people start pairing up, you see less of them. Or just receive very incongruent texts from them. For example, I was "requested to eavesdrop" over a text conversation earlier, only to find an obvious miscommunication and a pattern of incongruence. It's funny, but I don't think i will be laughing  when I'm the one communicating with the person. I might just get frustrated and end the conversation altogether. Come to think of it, peer pressure wouldn't be the most apt term and perhaps I should replace it with envy. Yes, envy would be more appropriate. They have inspired these thoughts in my head.

I was confronted by my close bestie on whether I get tired of all the boyfriend talk, and I honestly said I wasn't listening. I knew I wouldn't be able to make much out of my turn to talk, and I was too narcissistic not to make any such stories offensively "rubbing it in my face". Sick, innit? In the middle of watching a romantic comedy, I don't hear anything like "what I love about my boyfie is..." No. I don't hear anything like that at all. Once my other bestie gets over the honeymoon phase, I know I'm going to hear more of that from her. I honestly have to get rid of this cynical attitude and be a real friend.

On Recent visitors. 

One day was all it took to shake me on the ground I was standing on. Why was it that he had to come and see me? It was for the exchange of course. 

I remember episodes in the drunken conversation: if I had gone to the restaurant he told me about, of something that tastes really good, and that he didn't have the time to be in a serious relationship. 

>>One, I don't remember having talked about that restaurant before so that might have been a different girl.

>> And, two, I was listening. I've been listening to everything since the first words escaped his mouth. Even if the first few paragraphs weren't digested due to a distraction also known as the Pressing Libyan Hangover. 

>>Point one should've already upset me, but starting to feel upset now would be futile. In a scene where everyone's laughing, and there is a blonde unshaken looking at everyone else thinking to herself "what's so funny about that...". Well, let's just say I'm the blonde. Being upset now would be futility and approximately one year too late. Blonde: Now I get it! That was supposed to upset me, innit?

Having a guy (notice the avoidance of using the word "man") next to me telling me he didn't have the time for a serious relationship... story of my life! This time, though, I listened. And I couldn't have been more disappointed at myself for being in the same situation again. Good thing he's far away now. I hope I wouldn't think it an option for me to announce if I will ever be in Hong Kong.

However, I know I have to give him credit for playing it completely by the book. Whatever confusion I am experiencing right now is a grave I've dug for myself. I'm 23 but somehow I feel I'm too old for this kind of game. I feel bad that we never got to know each other well. I guess I missed my shot, if there was ever one. I'm being vulnerable admitting this to myself, trust that some part of me is feeling pathetic and pitiful as I am writing this. Maybe our time to me, however glamorized by our hobbies, was the most thoughtless, carefree, and wonderful episodes I've had in Singapore.

But this I was able to prove to myself. I CAN STILL FEEL SOMETHING. I guess that's a start. There's still hope in the world, and tomorrow is another day. Who knows what might happen?

Matters most

I miss him. He has been in my thoughts for days on end and he haunts me in the most unexpected of ways. His face is reflected on any ghostly likeliness of him who pass me by on the street, the man in the armor with his beautiful tan and sculpted jaw. Those lovely eyes that seem to turn crescent every time he smiles. I miss that feeling of having beautiful wrapped around me...

I close my eyes and try to remember what words caused for the sun to shine on me with his smile. Or that sudden tickled grin while he watches me slip back into my garments after hours and hours of playing in the garden of pleasures. Those were moments I stole from him. The only memories I had of him. A stranger to whom him and I have become right now.

These precious moments live in me in a vacuum. cannot be ruined and tarnished from the lashes of the morals of this cruel world. I remember him somewhat vividly, like continuous pictures playing over and over in a slow and unsettled manner. 

I miss him. But what matters more is, does he miss me?